George: Hey Tony, how’s it going?
Tony: Terrible… You know I was in Brussels for that interim meeting on the
fisheries commission? Well this fellow came up to me, and do you know what he said to me George?
George: What did he say Tony?
Tony: He said ‘you stupid cunt’!
George: He called you a cunt, Tony?!
Tony: He called me a stupid cunt, George.
George: Damn! What did you say?
Tony: What else… I mean… What else could I say George? I
called him a stupid cunt.
George: Damn. I woulda done the same thing. What’d he say then?
Tony: He called me a STUPID cunt.
George: God damn! The audacity…
Tony: Yeah yeah… He left me with no choice George. I had to
emphasize his status as a stupid cunt.
George: Did he reciprocate?
Tony: He did.
George: Damn… That sounds like one hell of a situation. How did you
handle it from there?
Tony: He forced my hand George.
George: You hit him?
Tony: No I called him a stupid cunt.
Tony: …then I hit him.
George: Damn. How did he respond to that?
Tony: He said ‘Ohhh’.
George: goddammit. That’s one messy situation. I’d a hit him again.
Tony: I did. I did. Twice. He said ‘Aggghhh…’ then fell on the ground in a
George: Lousy commie… I’da hit him just for that. Lying down too..
goddammit… That’s just plain disrespectful!
Tony: I did hit him again… but he wouldn’t quit. I felt… Honestly George
I felt like crying. But I’m the presi… I mean… I’m the prime minister of England…
George: …and Ireland.
Tony: No, I’m not prime-minister of Ireland.
George: But there are other countries in the deal right?
Tony: Yeah, erm… Scotland and Wales and the north of Ireland. But that’s
just a ceremonial thing, it’s not a real position.
George: Oh yeah… Like uh… like getting ordained through the mail?
Tony: Yeah kind of… but like I was saying… I’m representing the whole country in this
situation. I couldn’t let them down, George. I couldn’t.
George: Not in the face of this kind of opposition. I mean. The guy just
wouldn’t back down from the sounds of things.
Tony: He wouldn’t. He just wouldn’t quit George…. and you
know what he said then… after I kicked him in the chest?
George: What’d he say Tony?
Tony: ‘Gggahhh… stop… pleaseeee’
George: goddammit Tony… y’see this is why we have the death penalty. You
shouldn’t have to take that kinda abuse from anyone!
Tony: I shouldn’t have to take that kind of abuse from anyone!
George: No! You shouldn’t have to take that kinda abuse…
Tony: No… I don’t care if he is the president of France.
After ‘Derek & Clive: This Bloke Came Up To Me’ by Peter Cook & Dudley Moore.