Painful Boredom

I’m an anti-social guy in a foreign country full of anti-social people and I’m going through my traditional early year gloom. I’m rapidly losing touch with my life and the people that used to be in it. Purging the hangers-on from my life has shown me that I had a lost less people in it that previously thought. Depression means I’m bored but have little interest in anything. I get lonely but can’t be arsed with people. Especially the flaky wankers I’ve wasted time with in the past. Turning 30 has been hard on me despite people insisting that its no big deal and I have my whole life ahead of me etc etc. If I didn’t have Pirita I’d probably be in a much worse state.

(Being in Finland is stressful at times but I still feel I’m better off here than at home… Listening to Radio Ulster strangely makes me both homesick and glad to be away from there. The death of David Irvine, a man I loathed for many years, upset me to a surprising degree.)

Pi is worried. I know she’s getting stress about the fact that sometimes no matter what she does I still seem to be unhappy. I insist that it’s not her fault but I know from my own experience how frustrating it can be to feel helpless to someone you care about and how impotent it can make you feel.

I’ve stopped writing again. I have the ideas but no mental energy to do anything with them. This yearly cycle weighs me down. I’ve done little for the past few weeks but mope, sleep, play computer games comfort eat and suffer angst at my own uselessness.

Doesn’t help that as usual, my GP decided that since my medication was working he’d cut me down. I’ve never understood that. People tell me I should change my GP, but I’ve done that in the past. I’m running out of them. I’ve worn out one practice and have almost run out of possibilities in another. Having an illness with non-physical symptoms one of which is low self-esteem is a problem. My GP doesn’t seem to really understand it. Now I’m in a foreign country and my GP seems hesitant to continue my medication. He won’t give me anymore than a months medication at a time and expects me to come in once a month for re-evaluation. He knows I’m in Finland for six months. I think the idea is that I stop being his problem and a drain on the NHS, and get my treatment here. Which costs a fortune. The fact that I’ve been unable to get decent employment leaves me very short of money too, so it’s out of the question.

I’ve considered ditching the meds. My iimagination is more fruitful without it, the fact that it’s also more destructive doesn’t seem to feel like an issue at present.

Oh well, I’m not sure why I’m writing this here. I always feel uncomfortable about posting these sorts of entries. I guess I just want people to know what’s going on. Especially those few friends I seem to have left.

I don’t see the point in people writing emails saying they don’t have time for a long email… why not just save a draft until you do have time? that’s what I normally do. It just sounds like an excuse otherwise…

I also find myself offended by the fact that only MS Messenger is allowed though the University firewall here. What makes MSN acceptable and not ICQ or Jabber? Only Microsoft make “official” products, “proper” software… such is the attitude I find… or maybe I’m just being paranoid? I’m there. Add me if you haven’t already. I might even talk to you.

Something to say?