…in the not too distant future…


by Our Legal Entertainment Correspondent, Frampton Bulbous-Fish

Yesterday the music police confirmed that they had made a major bust on a warehouse outside the city where they found thousands of illegal CDs featuring bootleg artists. Seven people were arrested at the warehouse and another five at a simultaneous swoop at the home of an unlicensed artist where police found an illegal recording studio and many unlicensed instruments and recording equipment. EMI-AOL-TimeWarner spokesman Dr Tim Warner claimed it was a major victory against illegal music recording: “We had been after this gang for some time. the market share of some of our artists have been damaged by their illegal distribution of criminally produced ‘sound’, I refuse to even describe it as music as it is not music in the eyes of the law, and the rights of many of our artists have been violated by the potential loss in exposure these criminals have no doubt caused.”

Moronic riffs…

“Every criminal that makes, distributes and promotes unlicensed music is stealing the food from the mouths of our legal and law abiding artists. These laws exist to protect artists and ensure their hard work is not violated by people recording without a license, and to protect the consumer, and especially kids, from dangerous and subversive music that for years corrupted kids and drove them to alcohol and drug abuse, crime, rape and other depraved and disturbed activities… some claimed that the licensing of music production restricts freedom of expression… well what about the freedom of our artists to produce music unhampered by the promotion and theft of audience by subversive and so-called ‘independent’ artists? Not to mention the drop in exposure to dangerous and pornographic forms of music as were produced prior to the restrictions being put in place? Statistics show that the rise in crime has been slowed quite substantially by the licensing laws. Criminal gangs are still promoting the illegal creation and performance of so-called music but I think today has been a major blow against their organization and tied in with the raids on underground clubs and concerts is sounding the death knell for the illegal production of music. I’d say this is the best thing that has happened since we successfully restricted access to the internet to AOL v37 users only and eliminated filesharing and the unlawful distribution of copyrighted materials that had blighted and almost destroyed the industry that our livelyhoods depend on.”

Unimaginative garbage…

Unlicensed British musician Terry Hall, formerly of pre-license bands The Selector & Fun Boy Three, toured the west coast here with his independent band “Dearth Of Art” also featuring fellow veteran british old-tyme rockers Ian Broudie & Billy Bragg on an anti-licensing ticket last year. From his prison cell he told us “The fact that people can no longer freely create music without an expensive license from a corporate multinational monopoly that with their power over the western governments has set itself up as the be-all and end-all of the art of music is a testament to how decadent, apathetic and stale of thought the human race has finally become. I and those of my generation never thought we’d see such a time come as this which is like George Orwell’s worst dreams come true. I see no real hope left, maybe subsequent generations will stand up and regain their freedom of expression before money became the most important thing in the world. Frankly I’m looking forward to my execution. If only I didn’t have to wait until 2017. If only they hadn’t confiscated my belt…”

Terry Hall is 57

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