Criminal Behaviour

I’ve been told it should be a crime to be depressed at Christmas. I do believe that the person who told me this actually intended for it to be somewhat helpful. Personally I can’t see how. It makes me feel worse. Much much worse. I don’t see how it’s different from telling someone who is confined to a wheelchair due to disability that it should be a crime to be disabled at christmas. Depression is a disability. It disables me. I avoid people as much as possible this time of year and now they avoid me. People no longer try to cheer me up when I’m depressed. they know that I’m such an awkward swine that I’ll remain depressed despite their efforts to “involve” me in things I really don’t want to have to be bothered with when I’m feeling this way.

It seems no matter how well you try to educate people they seem to persist in believing depression is a matter of choice and I should be able to switch it off if someone makes the effort to entertain me. Not doing so is just being unappreciative. I’ve had people force me to smile in the past “See, now that’s better” Yes it is, for them. I’m no longer bumming them out by looking miserable. Instead I’m wandering around with a big old fake smile on my face piurely to make everyone else feel less uncomfortable. Meanwhile I’m feeling like I want to die, but no-one wants to know that. It might bum them out too, and that would be criminal.

So moreoften than not I just avoid people so I can be myself, alone. So I can be depressed and not have people making me feel like a criminal because of it.

Something to say?